Dear Jesus pt. 3 Deconstruction

In my last entry “Dear Jesus pt. 2” a dear friend of mine posted a comment with a link to an article about the 6 stages of Deconstruction. I found it interesting and added it to my list of  reads about the topic. Then I realized, I am writer and I am also deconstructing. So as we get back into the weeds of my story and how I began deconstructing, I am also going to attempt to give a stab at explaining this process myself. Many of you will relate to this progression and its worthy of our time, so allow me to help you navigate these fairly new (for me) treaded waters called “Deconstruction.”

Deconstruction was both created and heavily influenced by French philosopher Jacques Derrida. Blah, blah, blah I really don’t want to write a paper on the topic because we are TALKING about the topic (as in conversation and what we aim to do best here on Pinzydoesbrave). I like the way Tyler Huckabee puts it best; “an academic term for the systematic pulling apart of the belief system you were raised in.” I will no doubt be linking his article on the topic where he interviews my most favorite and beloved Father Richard Rohr, Mike McHargue from the Liturgists podcast (REALLY great podcast I highly recommend listening too) and Sarah Bessey, a self proclaimed “recovering know it all,” author and speaker. 

I have read some write of the ‘stages of deconstruction’ (another decent article linked at bottom) but what I have heard the most from anyone who has entered a period of deconstruction is that the first thing you feel is something akin to disillusionment, or shock. No one I have spoken with or heard talk about deconstruction ever went looking for it. It seems to come out of nowhere – or so it feels. However, If I was really paying attention to the details those whispers I felt in my gut, those questions I was trying not to ask for years, those were the hinting towards this madness of deconstruction for me. All the same, I was very surprised to find my faith failing me when my marriage was at the same time. 

Deconstruction usually begins at the conscious level when someone is going through a very deep and life changing time. Grief can bring it on, loss, major change, abuse, a trauma,  anything that can ‘hold your face to your doubts’ (as Tyler Huckabee puts it, article linked below).My marriage imploding is what drove me to the place where I was aware that my christianity no longer made sense. There were no longer adequate and absolutes to get me through the inferno. And once you start questioning, once you start to realize that one, two, three of the pillars you had once erected to hold up your specific belief system are no longer working, well it all starts crashing down rather quickly. It is very scary, very alarming to come to terms with the idea, the feeling that what you held as certainty was no longer certain at all. 

I felt a ton of fear and loneliness here. Fear that this process I now know was the beginning of my deconstruction was going to lead me into the wilderness of isolation. My christian friends where not going to come with me here, this I knew. You do not question the validity of the spoken word, it is absolute truth no matter what. Yet, I felt I had no choice. I could not ‘un see’ what my heart was looking at. I could not ‘un question’ what my gut had been wondering about for so long. The only way forward was to actually move forward in this space. One by one the idols I used to prop up my faith became dismantled. I saw holes. I saw pain. I saw truth mingled with lies, and I also saw God in a way that was even better than I had previously imagined.  God was (shockingly) here with me! In fact, it felt blasphemous but I knew he lead me here. Funny enough this space in deconstruction felt more like real faith than the faith I learned about as a christian. 

Richard Rhor talks about how if you go back 1,300 years in Christianity faith was actually defined as a combination of ‘knowing and not knowing.’ He says you had to have a willingness and readiness to live with a certain degree of unknowing, or what the mystics called ‘darkness.’ Rhor says  “Now with that out of the picture (certainty), and people getting the impression that they have a right to perfect certitude and perfect clarity and perfect order every step of the way, you’ve basically—I’m gonna say it strongly—you’ve basically destroyed the biblical idea of faith to begin with.”

Mic drop.

There was my God I knew and loved. His voice rose above the Christian clatter, and I did what I have done my entire life – I followed it. But. This part of deconstruction accompanies deep grief. You may be thinking “Shit. Deep grief is what brought me here now there is more?!” There is no easy way forward here, remember the ‘darkness’ must come along with the light. I found and find this part of my deconstruction hard because I know for me I am following God, yet my entire community of lifelong friendships (and for some of you, your families) are being affected if not torn apart. I still have a huge body of people in my life that will tell you I am being deceived, that I am not following truth anymore.

This is why I said in my Dear Jesus pt. 2 that you sort of have to ‘throw the baby out with the bath water.’ I am finding that some separation is not only imperative so you can sort through things, but a necessary boundary line you need to stay vulnerable to the process.   But you know what? My gut doesnt make me want to throw up anymore in this space of knowing and not knowing. I don’t have to get people ‘saved’ anymore here. I don’t have to get someone to be straight anymore here. I don’t have to tell my children I am struggling to obey God because I don’t believe hell is an actual place, let alone a place He is going to send me for living with my partner unmarried. 

If you want to give Deconstruction stages, then after you pass through disillusionment, fear and grief, and separation (Not in that particular order and they may overlap at times) then I think you hit some sort of peace, or freedom. I have heard some call it Reconstruction. I think it depends on where you land. Some land with no more spiritual beliefs at all, atheism, or a different religion all together. I have no idea where my feet will fall. In fact my suspicion is that the pieces will come together over the gift of time, and then change and re arrange again some. The BEST, best part right now is the peace. I feel deep, wonderful peace and freedom from having to know the story just one specific way.

It feels very wide open, humble and loving here. Though I am questioning things and taking big time outs from churchy stuff that triggers me back into a grip of narrow certitude, I am still at rest. I have grieving days for some of the relationships that have changed because what I see now has changed, but they are getting better as I embrace my path with gratitude and kindness towards my sweet little heart. The fear that the God I knew as a little girl is gone, has been replaced with the knowing He never leaves me we are just going to re learn one another. 

There is much more to say here but I want to leave you with this article because it does a far better job then I can at present. 

How to Deconstruct Your Faith Without Losing It

In the meantime, leave a comment (or a a few paragraphs) and tell us where you are at. Remember it is SAFE and it is BRAVE here, so saying one thing today and changing your mind on Friday is always welcome. 

XOXO

Pinz