Act Two; She Continues To Rise

I have days where my head literally feels like it’s spinning. The thoughts don’t stop coming, the feet don’t find the floor, the heart is weary from the pace…where is my anchor? Do you ever feel like there is just too much to process all the time? Like, will I ever be to the other side of this issue or that one? When I embarked on this mission to unlock long held pain that was not serving me, I never EVER imagined that one issue would just lend to another. I had this idea that I would willingly give myself over to a process, get to an answer, grieve it, heal it, move on. Free as a bird. Just in case you are trying to do your own ‘work’ as the wellness community has coined it, be warned. One issue always leads to another. It’s a goddamn puzzle out here much like war mines. 

I constantly wonder what in the good Lords name I am even doing processing half my life in real time on a blog. In the same breath I thank that Lord that there may be a sum total of ten of us who read it. If I am not actively engaged in a inner wrestling match with some lovely mole that’s popped its head up like that game at the Carnival, then I am trying to figure out how to pay my bills, raise my boys, keep my workouts, float this writing passion, and you know- just all the other ten thousand things. This would be a decent sized list you would find in my brain if you could cut it open most days:

• Figure out what happened in your past emotionally, so that your present physical body that is sick, can heal.
• Make sure you are actively  aware of your triggers and actively working on doing the work so you can have a better relationship
• Figure out how to think for the day so you can close deals (I work in sales – what I think about manifests so extra important if I want to pay the PG&E bill)
• Do I have a partner who is afraid of my power? Is he able to see more potential in me then I do? 
• Process how the kids might be feeling safe and heard or unsafe and unseen then; fix it
• Figure out your true enneagram number, then figure out your partners
• Re decorate/deep clean the kids rooms
• Order that book that so and so read that unlocks your inner child wound that needs healing
• Fucking calories. Do we start that cut yet or continue to let the body’s metabolism reset?
• Be brave and ask for that promotion, do it afraid if you must but do it. 

Truth be told…those were just the goals that made the list that was created between the gym and home this morning. It’s a 5 minute drive. At 6AM. But I know you do this too so let the people of God just say ‘Amen.’ 

Here is what I have come too. This is MY life. My one single life. No one else owns it. Not my kids. Not my ex husband. Not my live in boyfriend. Not my girls friends, not my pals from work, not my mom, not my family, not my CEOs’. But just simply MINE. Half the shit I am doing right now is a repeat of what I have always done (currently learning that we very predictably live out our lives – choose our partners- all in an attempt to heal un addressed wounds from childhood) and the other half is me wadding into my truer self. Trying to discover who this fourty year old women, starting over in so many rights, and then just starting in so many others is actually doing. Half the time I am so confident I feel like I should write the book. The other half I don’t even fucking know if I take half ‘n half in my coffee anymore or like it black. But. Every once in a while I can feel the stirring of restlessness begin to creep in a specific area of my life. If true change is on the horizon, then I have learned that this restless feeling won’t go away until the change is birthed. If the restless feeling subsides with usual measures to care for it- it was not time for a change, but rather a change of mind.

Last week I had to face the itch, head on. I knew it was time. I had felt it begin to creep in about a month before. And if I was really telling the truth it had been popping up for a couple months on and off. Like a little alarm you keep hitting snooze on. But here is the COOLEST thing I have learned about when things need to change; when it is time for a shift in your life (be it a job, be it a relationship, be it a living place) when it’s time there will be an ease. You are supposed to follow that flow- that’s the one! This is not to be mistaken for the struggle that proceeds the actual shift itself, that’s an all out grind. You feel like you have been in the ring going ten rounds and you just need a break. You are restless. Not satisfied. Something is not working because the flow, the joy, the rhythm to which you knew and that carried you in love in this space, is no longer consistent. Que the struggle, the wrestling match.  But when that season is over, and it’s time to actually birth the new- in that space is a peace, an ease, the sukha. 

I knew without a shadow of a doubt it was time to let my superiors know I should be considered for a promotion last week. I was TERRIFIED. Nothing in my logic was on my side. But my intuition was crystal clear. I have been advised by my Guru in these moments  to shut off my logic and let my intuition speak though it feel counter productive, and it turns out that advice is words to live by. I spent the three days prior to asserting myself fighting my mind (logic) and the saboteur of thoughts proving why this would just make me look stupid instead of smart.But then….there it was……the flow. That door that just opens and you don’t have to strive to push it thus. A series of events happened in the week leading to me just doing this thing – asking for more at work- and they were all like a little baseball T just setting me up to hit the ball. I knew these things to be part of that easy flow I was to follow. When the moment came to have this conversation, anxiety decided to join me in full regalia. 

I was such a big girl though guys. I asked Anxiety what she was so afraid of, if it was just a “NO” I reminded her I still had my current goodness. Then I told her she could come along, I was not going to fight her (she gets super pissed if you resist her) but told her she had to take the back seat. We where doing this, afraid but we can do things even afraid. The conversation with my Director that followed was so easy it’s laughable. The one after that with my Supervisor was even more fun. I am in transition. Things are shifting. No promotions at work have manifested yet, but what’s so great is that the job itself is only a fraction of what is really promoting right now within me. Guys, I was brave even afraid. We are crushing this round of “Act Two; She Continues to Rise.”

Stay Tuned,

xoxox

Pinz

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