A Decade Away
It’s 6:28AM on a Sunday morning and only my five year old is awake. I can hear him giggling through a pacifier (yep he still uses that at night, ssshhh it’s too early on a weekend to have opinions) at something he is watching on his device. I love listening to my child laugh at something he finds funny, I mean the whole idea that his young brain even woke up and decided to turn on his phone before he even got out of bed for his coffee is rather deliberate to me. All this at nearly six years of his life. To think he didn’t even exist at the beginning of this decade, and he has radically changed it nonetheless for me.
So much has happened in the last ten years, not just for me and my family (a family that hardly existed at the start of 2010) but for our country, our world as a whole. We started 2010 watching sweet Haiti get rocked by an earth shattering 7.0 earthquake. My first son Noah was hardly six months old and I had only been married a year and a half to my now ex husband, Chris. I was twenty nine years old, Chris was a young thirty five and we had sold our first home at the crash of the market from 2008/2009 to move across the country back to my home in Northern California. Chris was also pursuing his bachelors while working full time. It was A LOT. Newly married, a baby, a big move, job changes. Chris and I ran at similarly ambitious paces, so we embraced our choices.
By 2011 I was giving birth to my second son in our little two bedroom apartment, praying to God Chris would get off the “B List” and get work back in his union. The “B list” is like a wait list you get put on in specific unions when moving to a new state and soliciting work; it’s a way for California to favor guys who need work first before a ‘transplanter’ gets the job. We caught Osama Bin Ladden that year, and #Occupy happened though to this day I don’t know what came of that movement. I was learning how to be a mother, but I was also learning how to be alone, how to dig deep within myself and find joy.
I remember feeling deep, deep joy raising the boys in those early years, and this will be important to remember several years later. We were so poor living in California on that B list and my blessed ex husband went to great lengths to make ends meet while I was still at home with our first and then second sons. If Chris was not working, he was schooling. I didn’t have any friends when I got back to Northern California, it had been over decade since I had lived there, and we had one car which I mostly made Chris take to work (despite his protest) because my boys and I could walk everywhere in the city we lived in. Raising two boys under three gave me purpose and I was deeply in love with them and our little bubble in the apartment however friendless, penniless, or car less I was.
I know important things happened to the rest of the world, and even to me in 2012 but all I can recall, all I can see even now is Sandy Hook Elementary. The whole United States of America changed that day. We tore in half and the scar remains, sadly with other notches of scar tissue next to them now as well.
By 2013 Chris had not only steady work, he had been recognized for his excellence and leadership and was on his second promotion. . We moved out of the cozy apartment in the city to a quiet little hometown in wine country. I had a yard for my busy boys! Chris was finishing that bachelors and we had two cars now. Jobs. Friends. And a church I called home. The loneliness I knew was still there but by 2013 I knew its origin was from within my marriage, not my move across country. I missed the guy I married, and though I couldn’t articulate this then, I was becoming familiar with the idea that I always felt far away from him. I couldn’t trouble myself with this much though because after all, this was our life. Our choosing. Of course we shared almost zero intimacy, we had two toddlers and people where working full time and going to school full time. This was the plan though, and I had thought it was a good one. So let’s have another baby! After All three kids was part of that ambitious life we were after.
In 2014 I gave birth to my third son, and experienced the most life changing spiritual encounter I would ever have to date during his birth. Chris began his Master’s program, and I now refer to this year as the “beginning of the end.”
2015 was brimming with a little more hope for me, but by this point I was acutely aware of our marital problems and that our racers pace might in fact kill us. I was able to return to some sort of work that filled me with the reminder of my identity. I worked on two films that year. I begun to embrace and understand that all that I had long believed and held sacred in my Christian religion was un gluing a bit. I had questions, the world had questions. We legalized same sex marriage in the United States that year. My first son was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). And I hung. on.
In 2016 the world kept screaming. Fear was driving humans. We elected Donald Trump as our President, but If you need a happier memory of this year don’t forget the Cubs won the World Series for the first time in 108 years!! We continued to struggle. I got lonelier, Chris got lonelier. He began coping with his overworked mind, body and soul in ways that were not good for him, or our family. I continued to self soothe with the gym and my life there, I drank more wine at night, tolerated shitty friendships, and counted the days to when Chris would be done with all this school. To push through I would daydream about when we would make more money…when I would go back to a more dream job then my day job…the kids would get easier because they would all be in school…….and Chris and I would finally connect.
2017 still takes my breath away. Things did not get better before they got worse. I feel like 2017 was my truth telling year. My insides were no longer able to obey my mind which held a very, very dualistic view on life and marriage. My gut rebelled against my mind – it was like my heart was doing a rally cry before she gave up entirely. I am flooded with tears just remembering her great bravery….my hearts that is. I was about to die emotionally. I can’t explain it well yet, but I would sit in my garage and stare at the walls and cry, numb tears. I did not know what would happen to me and I was not suicidal at all, but I just knew I was dying. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could not hang on even another six months living in the life I lived. Around me my kids were growing, my husband was always gone doing stuff for ‘us’ and #MeToo was finally trending (or happening really though it started many years before that). And I was about to make some drastic changes.
2,300 children were separated from their families during the immigration crisis Trump set into motion in 2018. I hardly noticed. I was changing jobs, leaving Chris and moving out. I had an affair, and so did Chris (several actually that he would later tell me about). It explained a lot of things.
2019 came in with the Flu and ended with a diagnosis of Celiacs Disease for me, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for my youngest. But the middle! The middle is the guts of the matter. This last year was fucking hard. But not harder than 2016. And I did A LOT of work. So did Chris, and so did Brian. You have not been formerly introduced to him yet- but he is a key player in my story. He is also very, VERY precious to me and his story is very, VERY precious to me so I must step wisely as I share about him here. Brian saved my life, and as painful as this decade has been to write about, I can still say I believe God sent Brian to me. That’s down right blasphemous if you are close to my story and know Brian and I- but it’s still my truth. If 2019 told me anything it’s to tell my gosh darn truth. By the looks of it you are telling yours too; Trump has been impeached.
2020 holds a lot of road for me personally. I am going to be digging through the last decades’ fails to find this decades wins. I have so much grief to embrace still. So much. A friend of mine posted the following on her instagram account today and all of it resonated with me;
“We often go into new relationships without having done an autopsy on the
last one that died. Your healing is tied to you knowing the cause of death.” @mentaltalkingshift.
This next decade is sure to bring us our first female president. I don’t think the right to bear arms will change, but hopefully how we handle and control guns will. I am going to keep practicing telling my truth, hopefully you will come with me on that. I know its heavy, I know you don’t want to feel your feelings cause I don’t either – but I also know we can do it, especially together. I have no resolutions other than to show up here in 2020 (which frankly is one big vulnerability hangover in the making) and although my five year old doesn’t really drink coffee, I am hoping for some good conversations with him over the next 10 years (starting now as his phone is dead and he’s headed my way 🙂
Happy Sunday… Monday by the time you read this. If you have a moment comment below on your most impactful year of the decade and why, its OK be long winded I approve all the comments first anyways 😉
Pinz xoxo
10 Comments
Micah Rose
First….thank you for your transparency.
When I think about the last 10 years, I am blown away that I am still here…alive…trying to thrive.
In 2015, I began taking care of my niece. She moved in with me and shifted how I saw my role in the world. In 2017, I became a foster mom to the most precious little boy. 2018 brought a lot of understanding of what family means. I wholeheartedly believed that I was the best person to care for him…because I was somehow better than his mother, who had made lots of bad decisions. Once I began to look at her as a human….I realized that she needed help to become the best person for her son. So, I fought for her and we became friends who were co-parenting this precious boy. After a year and a half, I am proud to say that she was able to bring her boy home (I’d had him since he was born). I was so excited. Then my mom died. I was faced with the fact that I no longer had parents and leaned heavily into the “big sister” role. I cared for everyone and slowly started to slip away. I mostly felt like a hollow version of myself but wore a mask that said I was okay. Soon after, my best friend decided that I was too much and stopped speaking to me. I started a podcast with a dear friend but she soon became overwhelmed in her life and quit just as quickly as we had started. I had developed some disordered eating habits and lost quite a bit of weight. While getting pats on the back, I was wasting away.
2019 was my year of loss…it was also the most helpful year. I started EMDR therapy with a brilliant therapist, turned 40 (with a surprise The Office themed party), got a few tattoos and began to fill back in.
So, I’m sitting here…looking forward to 2020. Writing. Reading. Breathing. Eating.
Becoming myself.
lindseyboasso
THANK YOU SO MUCH for posting and sharing! I am so interested in what you have been up too all these years. I am also stunned and floored at your reaction toi your foster son’s mom, OMG GO you. You loved big on that one, what a beautiful and selfless reaction. Truly a mother. I am sorry for the painful loss of your own mama…..I can’t imagine Micah. Keep posting here! Keep writing – I will follow along with you xoxoxo
Lesley
Waiting to exhale…….your words, spoken in truth, dare me to go back and look at my own journey……amazing how alike we humans are!!
lindseyboasso
I love you! Thanks for posting. Share your decade with me!
Nicole Klement
2010 I was a freshly divorced 28 year old single Mama! I bought my first house, I bought Lex her first bike (I totally failed to teach her to ride it – but we tried), Mom moved out at some point! We had many “firsts”. We had sad ones too, Dans dad passed, and he remarried. I questioned my choices, that was hard, but I knew it was still right for me.
In the middle….I made the hard choice to risk a year back in the Bay Area for my career. Leaving Lexi with her dad was devastating, and so many other moms criticized me for it. It broke my heart every weekend, hers too, and yet we are stronger despite it. It helped form who we are today and has helped me further my career in big ways.
The end of 2019 left me more broken and opened my eyes to pain I’ve never known, we’ll just leave it at that.
In all of the joy and pain I’ve learned a few things…. If I had known how hard some of the choices I was about to make, were going to be, I would have chickened out before I started. I’ve learned to lean into the fear, and trust myself. I also have the most amazing support system, and they have loved me no matter how messy, inappropriate, or angry I became. I also learned, I need to read every book my mom sends me! (Duh)
Here is to 2020, more growth, more love, more courage!
lindseyboasso
OMG Looooooove what you said about “chickening out” had you known how hard it was going to be. That just hit me hard and brought healing tears. You somehow just managed to validate the f***ing hard that is my present. You are so right that we would chicken out, settle, miss it…..the fear is not always bad as it guides. Thank you for sharing your journey or the cliff notes version of it!! You are brave
Amanda Martin
Hey lady. Im just finding this blog and it makes me happy to read/hear your voice. My most impactful years of the decade has to be 2015-2017. We moved to St. Louis in November 2015. Wes was starting work at a church that we fell in love with. We were closer to family and we were finally going to be making a steady paycheck. Felt like we hit the lottery on many levels. Little did I know what was to come…
Two weeks after we moved, my mama got diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. It shocked us all because she had been so healthy with no signs of sickness before this diagnosis. She started chemo right away and I knew that our move was perfect timing. I was able to make the 4 hour drive back and forth a couple of times a week to take care of her in her last days. She only lived 12 more weeks and I was able to be with her a TON in those last days. Im thankful.
Unfortunately this put a hug strain on our family and finances. I felt lost after she died. Didn’t we move to be closer to family? It seemed like my childhood family was falling apart. I didn’t want to drive home to visit my brothers and dad. It was different and depressing. Traditions were changing and it didn’t feel good. I felt better to just avoid them. I wasn’t working, hardly unpacked our moving boxes, didn’t school our homeschooled children and used the credit card like we had hit the lottery. Throw in “pastor’s wife” at a new church (which I hardly attended the first six months) and I felt like I was failing miserably in life. The year 2016 ended with heartache, financial stress and depression.
2017 we were able to pick ourselves up and make better choices. I started with exercise and healthy food choices. I got a nursing position to help out with finances. We sold our big beautiful home and moved into a foreclosure. New traditions are starting with my dad and brothers that dont feel the same but still feel right. Slowly putting the pieces back together and making big progress along the way.
These stumbling blocks in life seem like they will be the end of us. Its easy to feel defeated and want to give up. The important thing is that we don’t give up, right? Just keep moving, try to stay positive and look forward to our future because if I never learn anything else in life… its that life does keep moving, we will laugh again, we will experience true joy again. We walk through fire but come out shining.
Looking forward to 2020. Love ya, friend.
lindseyboasso
Oh friend. You stopping by here brought tears to me eyes. I am profoundly grateful for your friendship over the last two decades- and what you openly shared here is so so valuable. I remember talking to you as you said goodbye (for now) to your sweet Mama. I recall that season in your life though I did not live in KC anymore, and the stories you shred even then blew me away. WHAT A DECADE hugh?! It still surprises me how much we actually go through/change/grow in just a few years time. Your parting words make my eyes leak all over again “The important thing is we don’t give up….life keeps moving and we will laugh and experience joy again…” you life knows this truth more than most, and this has always been who you are. I love you for showing to this world and bringing your positive joy! Thanks for reading, and for sharing!
Kelly Reutter
“I was about to die emotionally. I can’t explain it well yet, but I would sit in my garage and stare at the walls and cry, numb tears. I did not know what would happen to me and I was not suicidal at all, but I just knew I was dying. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could not hang on even another six months living in the life I lived.”
I can relate so strongly to this. When I knew my marriage to Ben was ending, I used to stand in my garage to think, breathe, rage, and cry. It was winter in Colorado and when my toes couldn’t take it anymore, I would wipe my tears take a few deep breaths and head inside to my two toddlers. Knowing that eventually someday they would probably understand why I had to tear their family apart, but that if I didn’t we would all die emotionally.
Thank you for writing, thank you for sharing, thank you for invting us along with you.❤️
lindseyboasso
Thank you for sharing that….miss you friend. Adulting is annoying and hard lol! You look happy, the kids are beautiful- I wish we lived closer to share a cup of coffee and cry through our last ten years together. THANK YOU for stopping by here and sharing, it means just about everything to me!