Capable

Once you recognize what you are capable of, you are also acutely aware of what everyone is capable of. If you struggle to give compassion to another person, your own worthiness is what is really in question. I remember long ago in my youth trying to please God and be a good christian girl. My devotion was palpable, my passion for Jesus either annoying, or zealous (they kind of mean the same thing now anyways.) I was so devoted and in my young pride I vowed never to make the mistakes that my ‘flesh’ desired to make. Until I did. Oh the shame. Even more than the shame was the surprise. I could not believe I had let my guard down enough to end up in any kind of sexual sin and worse with a NON christian. But I also learned the coolest lesson in my failure. I was capable! ME! Who knew?! 

Discovering that I was capable of doing my ‘un thinkable’ taught me a very humbling lesson about my humanity. I felt safer after this period of my life because I valued how fragile we really are. I realized that the strongest among us are often the most blindsided and weakest of the fold. This has to be one of my most favorite things about a drunk. They are shocked at nothing and when you bring your ‘boo who’ story to them they chuckle a little and make you feel right at home. A recovering drunk is not surprised at all of what you are capable of pulling off – they have already been there, own the t shirt. What a recovering drunk knows is how to be honest, and they learned that from getting really dirty in their own humanity and then eventually they stopped running away from their own horror. 

When I had an affair with another married man one of the most beautiful signs of my own growth appeared to me. I didn’t feel shame in the same way I talked about last entry. I was not surprised I could actually do something like that, I was more surprised that I did do something like that at that point in my life. In fact, how I ended up there made sense to me after a lot of introspection. I had deep, deep compassion for myself in this period of my life. I was gentle on myself and I don’t believe I suffered a growth stunt (or got stuck in shame) because of that kindness I was able to bestow. I knew what I was capable of and I was able to give forgive my own self. My compassion  toward myself was directly related to how I valued myself, and that was the work of the last decade.  

What I did feel, and still do carry to this day is deep seeded regret for the pain I caused another women, her babies, and my own ex husband who deserved none of that. Those people are at the core of my actions and my regret for the anguish I caused is tender and fragile and lasting. There are not words in all the languages to describe what it feels like to hurt innocent people so awfully. To be the person (a good, human loving, highly empathetic, extroverted people pleasing person) who was capable of making such a grand mistake with such catastrophic implications, just sucks. Mind blowingly sucks. I don’t even know what to do with all that suck yet, but what I will say is this; regret can be a teacher and a friend. Shame is the enemy. My ability to move forward and hold space for my mistakes, and learn from them is not thwarted by the power that shame holds. 

When you truly understand how powerful, how capable you are of blowing it AND of making a killing doing whatever ‘IT’ is for you, well you are in a good, good place my friend. When you can look upon another with compassion and hope (fully believing you are no better than him), you have found your own worthiness in tact. May we find those who value themselves in this humble way (only derived from not running from the pain of mistakes), may we take note of the  recovering drunk who knows honesty with oneself is the only way forward. I pray every day we would all would wake up knowing it’s all available out there for us- it’s all possible! There is SO much room for each of us here!

Pinz xoxo

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