Dear Jesus pt.1

My mother was the most enchanting women I had ever seen in my little girl life. Growing up in her home was somewhat magical. I only remember her to be patient and kind and soft. She was so full of joy and too this day one of my most favorite sounds on the planet is the sound of her and her sister laughing. I had the BEST childhood. So good in fact, when I became a mother I didn’t know how I was going to give my boys half the childhood I had. It took me four years to consider pre school because my own mother never did that with us. 

I was homeschooled for many years (much to my remonstrance by the 5th grade; this is when I would discover as an adult how much of an extrovert I was, and how contact with the outside world would be a deep and lengthy need of mine). I have three brothers and a sister and we would ride my mothers horses in our backyard for P.E. We learned arithmetic by way of treasure hunts and we baptized each other when playing ‘church’ in the creek at the end of our property, nevermind the occasional dead rat floating by. On Thursday nights we would follow this sublime women into the church kitchen were she would rally a crew of other church members to start cooking food, to which we would then serve to the homeless and needy in our community. She was always in a good mood. There were no problems, just ‘situations’ we got to find solutions for. Her joy was infectious, and she was so beautiful (still is) and I distinctly remember her beauty being recognized by others – men and women.

This woman was my introduction to God. So, naturally my view of him, what I projected onto him came from this force of a guardian I had. In fact my mother is why I still relate to God as a ‘he’ even though in my intellect I don’t believe God is a he or a she anymore. God was kind, God was loving, God was patient no matter how I got it right, or how I got it wrong, and best of all God was always in a good mood! I am so grateful that  this incredible women was my overture on my journey into the faith of Christianity. 

I was raised to believe that what the Bible said was absolute truth. The only truth.That there was ONE, and only one way to God (and thus heaven) and that hell was a real place. I was taught to believe if you did not repent of the sins you committed (and those apparently are very clearly outlined in the christian Bible) you will spend an eternity burning in it. I was taught that the only way to heaven was through this jewish Jesus who had died to make way for me to know God. I was taught in my faith that suicide would send you to hell (let’s pretend the seven unambiguous accounts the Bible does talk about are not seen as almost noble) and being gay was not only a sin, but not even possible.

 I was taught masterbation, and getting drunk was sinful and selfish. That wanting to have sex before you where married was not OK and I was to supress those natural feelings until I choose one partner to marry. I learned that abortion and the support of it made you a killer. I learned that being obedient to God and your parents and serving others was wildly praised in the church, even if it meant betraying your heart. 

Simultaneously I was also learning that God forgives everyone and anyone who repents of their sins. I learned that God gave us humans a man, his son Jesus, in order that we would know what he was really like. I was taught in the Bible that Jesus was almost always found hanging out with the ‘sinners’ (the drunks, the prostitute, the greedy, the thieves, the adulterers, the bullies of that day) and if he was not with those people he was teaching his own followers why he was hanging out with them. Jesus was constantly pointing back to what God ‘the father’ was like by the company he kept and in the ways he responded to those around him. I would learn that everything- EVERYTHING was forgivable, and this happy God I met at a tiny age was always for me. I learned I belonged somewhere and had an eternal home. I learned I could actually experience the presence of God, and better still, I learned that I could literally feel God when I listened for him. I learned I always had hope and that even the worst things I could go through would have a redeeming quality. Christianity gave me all this good and all this bad. 

 This is what I was raised to believe in, at home and at church. And then, for thirty five years I found beautiful and meaningful dialect to support these ideals. 

Before I get to the “but then” part of my story, I want to pause and make space for every single christian reading this. Most of you are my friends. Some of you are my kin. We have shared many, many years of faith together. I recognize that when you love somebody deeply and your shared experiences and faith have knit you together in a meaningful and profound way, it is like a death to have that un done. But, Here is my “but” for you….it is not actually a death. Our friendship is not dead, it is changing in some of its ways, but it is far from dead. And though you may mourn what we had before I had to challenge my beliefs, you can rejoice in that the very core of me is still exactly who you fell in love with. There is a growing phase, a dormant phase to this process, and a rebirth. The good news is that just because you call yourself a christian still and I maybe do not, does not mean you can not come on my journey!

Dear reader, I beg of you, if you don’t know me directly and the above paragraph does not apply to us, but you do know and love someone going through similar, could you do a few things for yourself? First and foremost give the sacred space required for your heart, and the heart of your loved one to be allowed to show up  just as you are. Just as they are. Take a deep breath. Resist the fierce desire to say things, and more still to think things like “they are falling away.” Commit yourself to pray for your person, and then remind yourself that you have always known God is perfectly able to keep your person no matter what. Try not to cringe when you hear me, or them go down a trail of reasons their faith is no longer lining up with their gut, and in that same vein when you hear your mind giving the answer they clearly need, take a deep breath in and let it out. Tell your mind it’s OK to let go…..after all we belong to the same King and we don’t have to be right in front of him. We don’t have to get “there” (wherever that is) any which way despite what you have been taught, and it’s going to be imperative for you to be able to love with an open mind if you want to stay in your person’s life.

Richard Rohr says “People who’ve had any genuine spiritual experience always know that they don’t know.  They are utterly humbled before mystery. They are in awe before the abyss if it all, in wonder at eternity and depth, and a love, which is incomprehensible to the mind.”

So, I ask again if you are a christian reading this, please prepare yourself to let my own wonder be just that. I am inviting you in to see me here and to share what I am learning now. I have no doubt it will cause your insides some sadness and pain at moments but I ask you to consider why that is in yourself. I ask you to be brave, and to travel with me while not answering all the questions along our way. Let them just be here with us… all those wonderful questions. 

Part 2 next week…

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